art and Body DYSMORPHIA

My relationship with my body started in the trenches. I grew up always being on the heavier side of my scale, getting use to seeing the added weight in the mirror and unknowingly burning that image into my mind to haunt me to this day. Being thrown into my 20’s I took a job opportunity that led me into a huge change of lifestyle and naturally I quickly lost 50 lbs over the span of a year. I mostly started noticing the change in size through people telling me how good I looked and my clothing not fitting me the same yet, I could never clearly see my body for what it was and how it was changing. It wasn’t necessarily by choice that I started painting myself but when 2020 hit nothing went the way anyone wanted.

During the lockdown I was completely striped from my previous life. Unfortunately in the world of hairdressing their just wasn’t a way to get around being out of work for two months so I decided to dedicate the time to my paintings. It started with me just simply wanting to learn to accurately paint skin tone, what I didn’t know is that project would become so much more to me. As someone that works relatively quickly, I was able to paint about 7 paintings in the span of the lockdown and during that time I discovered who I really was and what I truly looked like. Being forced to stare at myself for hours on end for months it began to dawn on me as I finished each piece my actual size and shape. I could step back and see myself as others did and not how my mind projected my mental image of myself onto the mirror. I can’t say it has fully healed me of my body dysmorphia but when I look at those paintings I’m reminded of reality and I’m learning to love the body in them.